In this little mini-series we have talked alot about regression. Part 1 “Do you have it?”, Part 2 “How to measure it”. Part 3 “how to deal with it?”. We all know everyone is different and no one strategy can fix everyone. However I found that regardless of the type of regression or your circumstances, your plan must address two main areas if you are going to succeed. Your emotions and your reality. Now what the hell does that mean! I like to think of “Your Reality” as the actual tasks that need to be done. Stuff like getting/preparing meals, completing errands, dealing with your job, etc. “Your Emotions” are the fuel to deal with “Your Reality”. When you feel hopeless or depressed, even getting out of bed can be an impossible task.
Your Emotions:
Let me ask you. Do any of the following phrases sound familiar?
- I just need to suck it up (minimizing your struggle)
- Everyone else is doing so much better. (comparing to others)
- Why am I so weak (being mean to yourself)
Grief:
Almost everyone dealing with regression says this about themselves at some point or another. When you do not address your emotions it’s like starting the race with no fuel. Of course you aren’t going to win, you’re not going to even finish. So how do we fuel up? First deal with grief. Losing your mobility as you age (that sucks), losing cognitive function due to a disease (that sucks) , having a dependent that is getting more difficult to care for (that sucks). Give yourself time to grieve. The thing about grief is you don’t get to choose if you have it or not. You only get to choose how you react to it. Honestly working with a psychiatrist or social worker is a great way to deal with grief. Working with my psychiatrist is how I developed the following strategy to deal with grief about my brother’s regression.
Step 1: Getting In The Zone
First to go to a quiet spot. Take a few deep breaths and think about what I am grieving about.
- (For me it’s about my brother and how my brother’s mental capacity has reduced and his anger has increased).
Step 2: Having The Feels
Spend some time feeling the emotion and pain. Then next say out loud what you are feeling.
- (For me it is guilt, powerless, fear).
Step 3: Investigate
Take a few deep breaths and when you are ready ask some questions.
- (I ask why I feel guilty, powerless and fearful).
After each question try your best to answer them out loud even if they are obvious.
- (For me my answers were: I love my brother and I feel like I have failed him, I feel powerless in changing his life in the future, I am scared about the responsibility I have to take when my parents pass away).
Ask questions until you feel you really understand. It will be exceptionally hard at first but with practice it will get better.
Step 4: Accepting Grief
The final step is accepting this grief. Admitting you have it and that it is okay for it to stay where it is.
Reframe Success:
I was always taught growing up success was measured by your accomplishments. What is the new benchmark, how have you improved, where is the growth. Now with regression that strategy has gone out the window. With regression you know that your capacity is reducing and you don’t have control over that. Imagine if you measured your success by the number of sunny days in a week. It would be ridiculous! It is important to tie you success to actions you can control. For example, say you are suffering from Alzheimer. Instead of tying your success to getting a minimum 80% on a memory quiz, tie success to completing 5 memory quizzes per day. You can not control the result but you can control how hard you work. Next post we will tackle dealing with “Your Reality”.