Finding friends can be really difficult regardless of whether or not you have a disability. The social stigma around disability really does impact one’s chances of making friends. I have been there, seeing strangers acting awkwardly around my brother (who has a mental disability). Which makes most interaction very brief. Others feel like they need to baby him, which also makes becoming friends very difficult. Also on the side of those with the disability, there are many that struggle with self confidence. The fear, the need to hide away in order to protect yourself, it creates a barrier towards friendship. Don’t get me wrong opening up and being vulnerable is truly terrified. There will be times you open up and get burnt. The alternative however is not having friends.
Where to Connect with People:
The obvious first answer is social media. This is a good way to dip your toe into the waters of friendship, however developing/ maintaining a deep meaningful on social media can be tricky. Look for things that you already like and join groups around that. Having that common interest gives you a starting point and a way to break the ice. For example, let’s say you are into hockey. It is much easier to join a hockey centered facebook group and jump into a conversation saying “hey did any see that goal last night by Crosby, it was freaking amazing” than “Hi my name is Dan I would like to meet people”.
Another common place is through meetup groups. Just like with social media there are meetups covering all kinds of activities. Meetups are a great way to meet people face to face, while at the same time it can be a less stressful since everyone is focusing on the activity instead of focusing on you. You can also try volunteering. Similar to meetup you get to see people face to face, stress is reduced since you are all focusing on the task at hand, plus bonus helping out a good cause. It’s a win, win and win.
How to Connect:
Let’s start with the basics. “Hi my name is (say name). What is your name?”. If you are super shy and nervous just start out with this. The first time is super uncomfortable but overtime with practice it should get easier.
Next level is starting a conversation. I would recommend having a atleast conversation starters. For example if you are attending a meetup for board games you can say “I love board games my favourite is (insert game). What is your?” To keep a conversation going try to talk for a bit and then ask a question about the other person. Try to avoid talking about yourself 100% but also don’t play 20 questions with the other person. Somewhere in the middle is best.
Paying attention to the other person. It can be easy to get stuck in your head. Stay in the moment and pay attention to not only what they are saying but body language. Eventually you will start to pick up on patterns and understand who is up for chatting and who is busy with other things.
If you have a visible disability this can put people in an awkward spot. Remember that this doesn’t mean that the other person is bad guy or that you make everyone feel awkward. A lot of people don’t interact with people with visible disabilities on an everyday basis. For example, a lot of young children are super awkward and need their parents to guide them in social interactions. Why, because it’s their first few interactions. A good way of getting over this awkwardness is with humour. For example if you have a wheelchair you can point to it and say “check out my sweet new ride, I went from 0 to 60 in this bad boy in the parking this morning.” Even if they aren’t funny it shows that you are aware of disability but you are comfortable with it and others can be too. However don’t make self-deprecating jokes about yourself. You don’t want to signal to others that its okay to put you down.
Staying Connected:
Great now you are chatting up a storm and having a grand old time. Now it’s time to follow up it. It’s really hard to be friends with someone you see once and never see again. Setup up next hangout in low pressure situations, for example, saying that you will see them on the next board game meetup, or mentioning there is a street festival next week and ask if they want to come as well. Don’t ask them to tag along on a vacation or be a plus one to a wedding.
It’s A Numbers Game:
Just remember people can be flakey. Don’t be disheartened if you aren’t able to keep the relationship going. There can be a whole host of reasons not related to you that cause things to fizzle out. Keep trying. The most successful people in the world all fail, actually they fail more often than the average person. The reason they succeed is that they tried so many times that eventually something eventually has to work. If you flip a coin once the odds of getting heads is 50%. If you flip a coin 100 times the odds of getting heads now is almost 100%.
Challenge Time:
This weeks challenge will be straightforward. Introduce yourself to someone new. Who know where it will lead. Good luck everyone.